Well here I am again, fat and unhappy.  I have gained back most, if not all of my weight.  I am getting to the point where I am disabled by my pain and stifled by my lack of confidence.  I thought noone could take that(my confidence) away from me when I got it, but someone could...me.  I no longer have any excuses.  I quit my evil high stress job, and have a new one.  I am working 9-5 and it's totally conducive to a halethy pattern.  I know how to lose the weight, I just need to do it. 

I am not sure what I am going to do about support, I have asked ppl to rejoin with me but they can afford to procrastinate and put it off forever, I can't.  I stood up the other day, getting up off the couch and my leg and hip and thigh cramped up so bad I couldn't stand.  I am lbs away from really hurting myself.  I am scared to walk to the bus stop in fresh snow cause I am sure I am going to fall and never be able to get up.  I really tried to do WW online, I love the tools but I need the support and constant renewal.  I could get through a week but that was about it.  Then I would binge again.  I am back into my old habits of takeout/delivery and buying junk instead of proper groceries.  Of binging and sleeping and sugar and high fat foods.  I have pain in my knees all the time and plantar fascitis which is mostly aggrivated by my weight.  Ppl are back to treating me like a sideshow...and I went to a concert last week and was truly uncomfortable through the entire thing.  It just makes me want to not go out and participate in life.  I am not depressed, but I am certainly not happy with myself. 

In the past I was just fat me.  I never remembered putting on weight, or suddenly becoming fat because I was always fat.  This time I feel the pain associated with my weight.  I also know that I can take the weight off and I don't have to live this way.  Before I just figured that was normal, and that I couldn't change.  Now I know I can and I am going to rejoin on tuesday.  I have been wanting to go for weeks, but was hoping someone would join with me.  How silly of me.  I think this time I have to realize that the praise and comments wear off and that I need to continue to motivate myself.  I can't count on my friends or family...they always have their own crap going on. 

 

Anyway, I hope it won't be too weird to admit that I need help again.  I hope my group sees that im human and make mistakes too, and evn though i lost 172 lbs before, if you dont keep up with the new habits you gain the weight back .  Hopefully anyone reading this will take that message away...don't give up on all the hard work you have done.  Catch yourself early and get back on track!