Well here I am again, fat and unhappy.  I have gained back most, if not all of my weight.  I am getting to the point where I am disabled by my pain and stifled by my lack of confidence.  I thought noone could take that(my confidence) away from me when I got it, but someone could...me.  I no longer have any excuses.  I quit my evil high stress job, and have a new one.  I am working 9-5 and it's totally conducive to a halethy pattern.  I know how to lose the weight, I just need to do it. 

I am not sure what I am going to do about support, I have asked ppl to rejoin with me but they can afford to procrastinate and put it off forever, I can't.  I stood up the other day, getting up off the couch and my leg and hip and thigh cramped up so bad I couldn't stand.  I am lbs away from really hurting myself.  I am scared to walk to the bus stop in fresh snow cause I am sure I am going to fall and never be able to get up.  I really tried to do WW online, I love the tools but I need the support and constant renewal.  I could get through a week but that was about it.  Then I would binge again.  I am back into my old habits of takeout/delivery and buying junk instead of proper groceries.  Of binging and sleeping and sugar and high fat foods.  I have pain in my knees all the time and plantar fascitis which is mostly aggrivated by my weight.  Ppl are back to treating me like a sideshow...and I went to a concert last week and was truly uncomfortable through the entire thing.  It just makes me want to not go out and participate in life.  I am not depressed, but I am certainly not happy with myself. 

In the past I was just fat me.  I never remembered putting on weight, or suddenly becoming fat because I was always fat.  This time I feel the pain associated with my weight.  I also know that I can take the weight off and I don't have to live this way.  Before I just figured that was normal, and that I couldn't change.  Now I know I can and I am going to rejoin on tuesday.  I have been wanting to go for weeks, but was hoping someone would join with me.  How silly of me.  I think this time I have to realize that the praise and comments wear off and that I need to continue to motivate myself.  I can't count on my friends or family...they always have their own crap going on. 

 

Anyway, I hope it won't be too weird to admit that I need help again.  I hope my group sees that im human and make mistakes too, and evn though i lost 172 lbs before, if you dont keep up with the new habits you gain the weight back .  Hopefully anyone reading this will take that message away...don't give up on all the hard work you have done.  Catch yourself early and get back on track!

I have reached my limit and I have to get this under control.  Okay, if I don't want to spend the money on meetings, thats fine, I don't have to.  Online is cheaper anyway, and I haven't enjoyed meetings in some time. I can't let my embarrassment for failing stop me from beginning again. 

I have a few very specific goals and I am going to say them right now.

1-I am taking my first plane ride in July, and if I continue to gain, it's going to be a very painful and embarrasing experience.
2-I want to get back to the lowest weight I was.  When I compare how I have felt the last few weeks to when I was at my lowest, it's a huge difference.  When I was losing weight the first time around, I never knew what it felt like to be that lower weight, cause it had been so long since I had felt it.  Now I know what I am missing. 
3-I want to get more active again, I feel like I cannot physically do the things I want to do again.  When I was at my lowest weight I was tackling the stairs, 4 flights whenever I felt like it.  Now I am back to my lazy self taking the elevator, cause my knees hurt or my hip or my feet.  I feel like an old woman. 
4-I want to elimnate the stigma and fear again.  Believe it or not when I was down to 324, I was so confident that I went to places and participated in things I realize I cannot do now.  I feel that fear again, when I go to a new place.  Are there going to be stupid kids there that will make fun of me?  Do I dare walk in alone? 
5-I started driving last year, and when I started I was very comfortable in the drivers seat, now physically I can get the seatbelt on barely, but not if I am wearing a coat.  I really want to take my test and get my license, the freedom of that taunts me.

 

I have to feel like I am in control again.  It's scary yes, but it is so worth it, and I have to keep reminding myself this every time I want to buy chips or ice cream.  I can use your support!

 

I hope online will give me the tools I need and iI can find it within myself to be the thinner Erica I know is inside.

Well I am down over 170 lbs now, and am having a lot of program fatigue.  I have been partying too much too and it makes it hard to lose the weight.  I will update all my stats and put new pics up soon...

 

for anyone who follows my progress, sorry I haven't been writing much....

Well today I had my first therapy session with my counsellor and man was it rough.  Of course he was jsut trying to get a feel for what i need and whats going on with me, but there are so many things that I was kind of all over the place.

 

The biggest thing I took away from today was this:

 

 I knew there had been an issue with coping methods, since I had not been eating away my worries I had not been dealing with my anxiety and stress well but I had a hard time seeing the connection although I knew it was there.  With just a few questions my counsellor made it clear to me without saying anything, that not only were my coping methods weakened but my support system was weak as well.  I had lost my biggest supporter in my grandma and my other friends and family don't really get whats going on with me because they can't see it cause they don't work with me, so they aren't really able to understand and give me their support.  Or some friends are busy dealing with their own problems and therefore unable to listen to mine. 

He pointed out that I had been referring to my "old self" vrs my "current self" and the confusion I had shown with needing to get back to my old personality (pre burnout) but not going back to my old fat less confident less happy self(pre WW). 

 

I liked my counsellor who was around my age and I felt very comfortable with him.  I did cry quite a bit but I knew I would, I get emotional when I am stressed.  I knew he was a professional and had seen it all before as well so I wasn't too embarrassed. 

 

I felt better after leaving and he left me with a question, "What parts of myself do I want to keep?"  What changes have I made taht I want to retain as part of myself and not change. 

 

I am going to really think on this and journal on it so I am prepared for next session.  I am glad I have found someone to talk to.

 

 

Well I have been reading some stuff in an effort to calm my stress and anxiety issues at work.  I realized some stuff about myself recently.

 

1. I am burnt out.

2. I am not handling stress and anxiety well in my workplace.

3. I am worrying about EVERYTHING, even what isn't in my control.

4. I am embarrassed by this.

5. I feel like I have something to prove to the world.

6. I am a perfectionist, and therefore micromanage.

7. I need help, as my professional life is suffering, and if this suffers everything else in my life is affected.  No money, no security, so WW etc.

 

 

So I have taken some steps.  I am on leave from work to take some time to decompress and get feeling better.  I find I am still having anxiety even outside of work.  I never thought I did before.  I guess it was just so much LESS at home that I thought it was normal to feel that way, but now when I compare when I am truly relaxed to when I am feeling anxious, I can really see the difference. 

 

I am writing a log (not on here, just for myself) to try to write some feelings down.

 

I downloaded some guided meditations, I have only done them once, I really want to do them each day.

 

I borrowed a bunch of books on all different topics applying to my situation from burnout to anxiety to relaxation and leadership.  I am reading one called "Stop living your job, Start living your life" and it is great so far.  Another I jsut started is "The seven keys to Calm" which really described my anxiety issues in the first chapter (I just started it) and I am finding it helpful.  I am also reading a book on pedometer walking. 

 

I have found a counsellor to talk to and have an appt on tuesday.  I have finally got my application in for EI, and have filed my taxes and gotten some of those things out of the way.  I have spent some time doing things just to have some fun, and spent some time with people I wouldn't normally get to. 

 

I have 2 more weeks and I hope I am feeling more together by then, cause even though I am finally feeling like I can do something with my time off, I feel like theres not enough left, on the other hand I need to get back to work and make some money.  I am trying not to worry too much about it, if I need more time I will ask my doc for it. 

 

People have been pretty supportive, but it's hard for them to see what the problem is cause it really has come out at work not as much at home, (well my roomie sees it but thats about it) but people are trying hard.

 

I had someone say to me don't quit, talking about my WW.  I guess they thought that if I was stressed I would quit, but WW is the only thing in my life right now I am confident in.  I wouldn't quit that.  It's such a big part of my life.  It would jsut cause more problems not less. 

 

Well I don't know if there is a magic cure to feeling anxious, but I know I need to find something that works for me.

 

 

 

 

 

Well I have had more ups than ever recently, I just have been giving in to the little devil on my shoulder that says, "ya you can have that who cares?"  Then I work hard to take it off again.  The thing is if I just stayed even steven all the time and followed plan I wouldn't have to do damage control.  I really want to get to my next goal and I shoula been able to get there by now.  I have to stop fucking around! 

On the other hand I have been very stressed out and my circumstances have changed being at home all the time and concerned about money and my future.  It has been hard to not eat in response to the whole thing!  I have to do this though.  I have to get my life under control. 

I went to the library yesterday and I got a bunch of books on stress management and anxiety and burnout and perfectionism and related stuff.  I also got a book on walking with pedometers.  I wear a pedo every day anyway, so why not maximize that?

 

This week my mom hit 30 lbs lost, what a great job!  2 people hit lifetime this week and 1 hit goal!  That is awesome.  By the time I hit my goal there will be a whole different set of people there.  Or noone that is actually losing :P  They will all be lifetime!  Haha thats a good thing.

 

I have been talking to a guy who is doing his own weight loss journey, it's interesting to see someone starting out their journey.  However it's terribly difficult to tlak to him about it cause while he can identify with the things I am going through (to an extent) he isn't doing my program, he has to follow what HE is paying for. 

It just makes me so thankful that WW was where I went.  The atmosphere is about success and living life not deprivation and  control.   In my ww group people look up to me and ask me questions because if iI have lost this much then I must be doing something right, right?   I don't have any secret answers, but I have learned a lot and have a ton of tips.  I live and breath WW and I work it every day.  Sometimes people jsut need to have someone to talk to at the meetings so they aren't alone in their journey.  Having soeone to say hi to at the meeting can be a very positive thing.

I started talking to a local online member, and she needs some support, and I am glad to tlak with her and share tips and listen, people have been there for me the same way, and I dunno I couldn't have done it without my supports and group.  I am not sure I could do it online personally but kudos to those who can!

 

So I was checking stats on my page today and I have over 8500 page views now.  Thats pretty awesome.  I think this blog is the heart of my weight loss journey.  I look at the pics here sometimes and I need to see where I have come from and how far I have come.  I look forward to going back and reading old posts and having this record.  I also think if one person gets inspired to start their own journey or keep striving, from seeing this very personal account of my journey, then thats great.  It's not all about me.

 

 

 

-----///\\-----Plz
----///-\\\----Put This
---|||---|||---On Your
---|||---|||---Account If
---|||---|||---You Know
----\\\-///----Someone
-----\\///-----Who Died
------///\-----Of
-----///\\\----Cancer
----///--\\\---Or whom may be suffering from it

Well I added a blogs I read list, all WW related, from board members.  I think it's great to be supportive of other members journeys and I know I can check on my stats page where a referring link is, and people do come from links of other blogs I am on.  Anyway, there are a bunch of ladies and thier stories and blogs on there, if anyone has a problem with being on that list, just let me know...i can remove it.

Well I am not doing so great this week, have been sick and making some poor decisions.  Not been able to be active either cause I felt poopy.  It sucks!  I really don't want to gain on tueday, but the week is slipping away! 

 

I REFUSE TO LET THIS WEEK GET THE BETTER OF ME!

 

Erica

Ya I had so much fun, ate way too much...but I am back on track!  Well I am trying anyway!

Now they changed them so if I update one i need a pin...and anything I have made with that pin updates..so it doesn't keep a different one each week for me now!  What a piss off.  I guess any tickers I make now will have to be "most recent" and they will change everything!  I even tried making new ones, a new pin, deleting my cookies etc.  Oh well....I liked it while it worked!