Well here I am again, fat and unhappy.  I have gained back most, if not all of my weight.  I am getting to the point where I am disabled by my pain and stifled by my lack of confidence.  I thought noone could take that(my confidence) away from me when I got it, but someone could...me.  I no longer have any excuses.  I quit my evil high stress job, and have a new one.  I am working 9-5 and it's totally conducive to a halethy pattern.  I know how to lose the weight, I just need to do it. 

I am not sure what I am going to do about support, I have asked ppl to rejoin with me but they can afford to procrastinate and put it off forever, I can't.  I stood up the other day, getting up off the couch and my leg and hip and thigh cramped up so bad I couldn't stand.  I am lbs away from really hurting myself.  I am scared to walk to the bus stop in fresh snow cause I am sure I am going to fall and never be able to get up.  I really tried to do WW online, I love the tools but I need the support and constant renewal.  I could get through a week but that was about it.  Then I would binge again.  I am back into my old habits of takeout/delivery and buying junk instead of proper groceries.  Of binging and sleeping and sugar and high fat foods.  I have pain in my knees all the time and plantar fascitis which is mostly aggrivated by my weight.  Ppl are back to treating me like a sideshow...and I went to a concert last week and was truly uncomfortable through the entire thing.  It just makes me want to not go out and participate in life.  I am not depressed, but I am certainly not happy with myself. 

In the past I was just fat me.  I never remembered putting on weight, or suddenly becoming fat because I was always fat.  This time I feel the pain associated with my weight.  I also know that I can take the weight off and I don't have to live this way.  Before I just figured that was normal, and that I couldn't change.  Now I know I can and I am going to rejoin on tuesday.  I have been wanting to go for weeks, but was hoping someone would join with me.  How silly of me.  I think this time I have to realize that the praise and comments wear off and that I need to continue to motivate myself.  I can't count on my friends or family...they always have their own crap going on. 

 

Anyway, I hope it won't be too weird to admit that I need help again.  I hope my group sees that im human and make mistakes too, and evn though i lost 172 lbs before, if you dont keep up with the new habits you gain the weight back .  Hopefully anyone reading this will take that message away...don't give up on all the hard work you have done.  Catch yourself early and get back on track!

I have reached my limit and I have to get this under control.  Okay, if I don't want to spend the money on meetings, thats fine, I don't have to.  Online is cheaper anyway, and I haven't enjoyed meetings in some time. I can't let my embarrassment for failing stop me from beginning again. 

I have a few very specific goals and I am going to say them right now.

1-I am taking my first plane ride in July, and if I continue to gain, it's going to be a very painful and embarrasing experience.
2-I want to get back to the lowest weight I was.  When I compare how I have felt the last few weeks to when I was at my lowest, it's a huge difference.  When I was losing weight the first time around, I never knew what it felt like to be that lower weight, cause it had been so long since I had felt it.  Now I know what I am missing. 
3-I want to get more active again, I feel like I cannot physically do the things I want to do again.  When I was at my lowest weight I was tackling the stairs, 4 flights whenever I felt like it.  Now I am back to my lazy self taking the elevator, cause my knees hurt or my hip or my feet.  I feel like an old woman. 
4-I want to elimnate the stigma and fear again.  Believe it or not when I was down to 324, I was so confident that I went to places and participated in things I realize I cannot do now.  I feel that fear again, when I go to a new place.  Are there going to be stupid kids there that will make fun of me?  Do I dare walk in alone? 
5-I started driving last year, and when I started I was very comfortable in the drivers seat, now physically I can get the seatbelt on barely, but not if I am wearing a coat.  I really want to take my test and get my license, the freedom of that taunts me.

 

I have to feel like I am in control again.  It's scary yes, but it is so worth it, and I have to keep reminding myself this every time I want to buy chips or ice cream.  I can use your support!

 

I hope online will give me the tools I need and iI can find it within myself to be the thinner Erica I know is inside.